It has never been as hard to start a story, as how hard it is to start it now. At the begins; I made some rules to myself, what I want from this blog, why I made it. The first rule is: I’ll never talk about my life here, especially about my love-life. Now, life writes new rules, and I must break mine. I have always known that I’m crazy, and I just make and made mistakes many times. This time, my sin is too big, and I hurt somebody, who is important and special to me. I know, if I just say: “I’m so sorry” and “please, forgive me”, it is not enough. So, this is a true story:

redhair.jpg  Last autumn, I met a girl on the internet, more precisely in the Need for Speed World game. I had more than 100 Hungarian girlfriends and I had some outlandish too before meeting her, but she was a special one. Her name was RudeGirl in the game. One night, I made a team escape race, where the drivers must do a track to escape from the cops. 4 players make a group and the server decides who will be your partners for a short time. She also was there. It is not a shame, she was much better than me on my favorite track, so, I added her to my friends list. All I could say was just: WOW! She had a Ford Mustang RTR-X and I had a BMW M3 GTR (E46). I tried to follow her car closer, but it was a real impossible mission. I thought, she would not going to be so lucky again, but the very next race, we made that track together one more time. “Late Departure”… After the race, I started to talk with her and something happened, something that I had never felt before, I fell in love with her at the very first time when we had a conversation. I didn’t know, why or when, it just happened. She was so cool, and I had never enjoyed a talk with any other girl like I was enjoying the talk with her. I was boastful, but she could handle me, she was awesome. I told her a lot of things, for instance that I had a niece, about my penis size (at this part she said, it was not that information, what she wanted to know at first), about my ex-job and about my blog and about my ex-bride. It seemed like she liked my speech, she sent a lot of smileys to me. I knew that, after that boastful talk, she would not believe me, I fell in love with her but I didn’t tell it to her that night, I just said that I liked her so much, but at the same time I invited her to check out the sunset with me nearby the big wheel. She came, made some spins around my car and then she went to race. Racing is in her blood, and she does it so hard. My head was so dizzy after that night. It changed everything inside of me. How I said it earlier, At that time I was after a serious relationship, I had a bride, but we were braking up our engagement. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship, but I wanted the RudeGirl so much. She surprised me, when the next time she talked to me again I said sorry for the first night and I asked for her Facebook profile. Some days later, she gave me her ID and my heart stopped when I saw her picture. By that time, I knew that she was an economist (or something like that) and she liked cats and she had a cat, she is a Chelsea FC fan. But her photo… She was so awesome pretty… Red hair, nice face, lovely lips and those beautiful brown eyes… I got lost in love immediately.

  On Facebook I tried to talk to her every day. I turned myself into a maniac. I wanted her, I needed her, I wanted to love her and make her happy all the time. I didn’t know, what she wanted, and unfortunately I didn’t care enough about her feelings. I was growing up in the streets, where the rules and the life say: if you want something, then get it. The other problem was, I never had fight for girls’ love, they just came and it was always an easy “game” to get them. I had no enough experience, but I started to fight for her love. Unfortunately her feelings were taboos. I was waiting for her every day; I was up untill late night to talk to her. Some days she had no time to come online, she was busy with her work. As for me, I was jobless, so I had a lot of spare time. So, after this pause she got angry because I had not sent a “good night” message to her. I said, I hadn’t because she had not been online and I didn’t want to disturb her with my messages. She said: “Yes, but I could read it later.” Later, I didn’t miss any night for 10 months long. Sometimes I really didn’t know, what to write to her, but I always made a wish: “good night and sweet dreams”. After the first month, I was curious what she felt about me, because she had never answered this question to me. I got an idea, and it was a really bad idea, but I made a plan. I lied. I told to the RudeGirl, there is another girl, who wanted to be my girlfriend. It was between my top 10 worst ideas ever. She got jealous and she said; she felt something, something about me. That night, I was not able to sleep. I felt so miserable. I knew, I hurt her feelings with this… I was going to lose her trust… Then, every time, when we talked, she asked me a question: “How is your girlfriend?” I thought I would never survive that again, but I was still sending her the goodnight messages. We talked a lot, but lot of time, I had no idea what to say to her, my brain was paralyzed, but she inspired me in blogging so much. Sometimes, I felt that I could touch her heart and we were close to start a relationship together, but then she wasn’t online for a few days all over again and when she came again, she was so cold and I needed to start everything from the beginning. I tried to captivate her again and again, and again. It continued till last summer, when the things totally changed. She said she would be online less time, she wanted to enjoy the summer. Yeah, it was too hard to me… 7 months passed, and I didn’t miss any night. I don’t know, how many days it is, but she got goodnight message every evening and I told her every day, how much I adored her. She was far away, I made an action against my ex-boss, and I’m still doing it because it is Hungary, where the laws save the evils. I made an action at the court too (against my ex-boss) and after that the companies don’t want to hire me any more. In Hungary the average job search time is two and a half years. I’ve passed one, and I hope, I’ll get a new job soon, sadly, here the plants are just closing and they do not open new ones. I tried to enjoy the summer with my friends too, but I was so lonely without the RudeGirl. I missed her every second of the days. I’ve just realized, I am tired of everything and everybody, I just want her. She answered my messages less and less times. Yes, I did it again, I made a big mistake. I wrote an erotic/naughty message to her… To me, this message wasn’t too hard, but she has broken up with me because of it, she doesn’t want to talk with me no more. She said, she wanted just friendship… I don’t know, what she thought, what does “I love you” means, but it isn’t important, because I made a mistake that I’ll never forgive to myself. When she said: “it’s over”, I cried and suicide started to be so interesting to me. I had a plan; I wanted to engage her on her birthday, because my feelings were so clear about her. I had never loved anybody as I loved her and I still love her. It was hard to get to know her, and it’s impossible to forget. At last, I just shared a picture on her Facebook wall to her birthday and I sent a private message to her, with the text that I still loved her. I received no answer. There is only 3 days between our birthdays; she is older and smarter than me. Much smarter. 2 days after my birthday, she copy-pasted a message to me on Facebook, she said, she had not forgotten the day of my b-day, and it was a really good feeling. I said “thank you” to her, and I gave some answers to the copy-pasted wish… Then, nothing…

  Dear RudeGirl! Once, you asked me: “what does love mean to you?”  I tried to find the answer that time, but I know, it wasn’t enough to you. But now, I spend too much time without you, and I think that I learned the lesson and now I know, I don’t want to be without you no more. You are too precious to me. I have always known that you were the gift of Gods to me, but I’m too crazy to handle that. So, what is love? Maybe I still don’t know the right answer, but we need no to know what is that, we need to feel it. Love, is a place where I can be happy and I can make you happy too. When you are sad, I’ll be there with you to support. Love is a feeling, when I feel; I don’t want to live no more without you. Love is painful, because the times what I spend without you are trying to kill me and my soul too. Love is a mental status, because I’m thinking and daydreaming about you all days. Love is a fight, where I want to beat everyone who tries to harm you. Love is peaceful, because I can be calm only on your side, I can rest only with the knowledge you are with me and I try to give this feeling to you too. Love is an argument, to accept each others differences. Love is hope. Love is craziness, because we do everything for the beloved one, share our secrets, for example. Love is trust. Love is the heart, because we cannot live without our beloved one. Love, where I keep you in my mind forever, and doesn’t matter, how hard I try to forget you, it will never happen. You are my best friend, because you know the story of my life and I can trust you, I need no fear to share things with you. You are my critic, because you know me enough to show my mistakes. You are my trainer/coach, who teaches me to be a better man. You are my love, because I’ve fallen in love with your mind and you started to be a part of me. You are my life, because I don’t want to live anymore without you. So, please, forgive my mistakes, I know, I’ve done enough of them. I don’t want to force you to love me. If your heart belongs to somebody else, then I cannot do anything to change that. At least, let me be your friend and let me talk to you again. Please, give me a chance to show how much I love you. I’ll always be serious with you. I’ll not lie any more. I really need you. You are perfect to me, that is the truth. Now, my life is an opened book before you. I never opened myself this way to anybody else. This is the first time in my life, when I can say out freely: “I love you!”, because this time I know, I would like to belong somewhere or somebody, I would like to belong to you. I know I’m coming from bad people, I had and I still have some problems, but I swear to you before the whole world, I’ll try to be the greatest thing that you’ve ever had and I’ll be adoring you for the rest of my life. I think, humans are always searching and trying to find something: What is the point of life? I consider, I know the answer to this question now. You’re the point and meaning of my life! Every time, when I close my eyes, I see your pretty face and that “gentle” smile. But I know that beauty isn’t everything. I love talking with you, because you have your own opinion about different things. Your inside world and the outside appearance have a great harmony, this is what makes your personality so special to me. Now, I’m ending my lines. I’m so sorry again for all of my mistakes and I hope you’ll forgive me. I don’t care, what others say, I want you, and only you. I love You…

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A hozzászólások a vonatkozó jogszabályok  értelmében felhasználói tartalomnak minősülnek, értük a szolgáltatás technikai  üzemeltetője semmilyen felelősséget nem vállal, azokat nem ellenőrzi. Kifogás esetén forduljon a blog szerkesztőjéhez. Részletek a  Felhasználási feltételekben és az adatvédelmi tájékoztatóban.

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